A song for the stars.

And so I broke my back, and the stars cried
and my hands were too small to catch the light
and you laughed and laughed at the back of my mind
For every wanderer, some stars collide
and me and you would never ignite
I begged the earth to hold me tight
But God doesn't talk back and heaven turned out to be blindingly bright.
Followed by ghosts, metaphorically I froze
And traced us down on the way back home
Carved their beliefs in sand, while I carve mine into stone
Tonight my luster shines brighter than it's ever shone
I can break a body that's been bent from bone to bone
Yet so much depends upon the fate the stars wrote for you.
And so much, depends upon the fingers interlacing yours

And you will dress up like you know your way back to God and sip your coffee and hide the sun under your dress and hurt no more.

I'm saying take care now.

He said it hurts when he writes
But with all the dimmed light
My sun manages to break through.
Hold up, right there.
I think it hurts a little less now,
I think it reaves me quite gently now.
Do I still get to say your name in full sentences?
I think it dries my throat a lot more now,
I think it's leaving me mild now.
Will you name me after one of your stars?
I think you should dry your eyes now.
I'm saying pray to my God, and climb the roofs of our unrepented sins.
Steady as an ocean, and wild as a whisper
I'm saying howl no more.
I think I should give you up now
I think I should hand you over.
Do you still believe I'm heaven-sent?
I'm saying take care now
Lover, I'm saying you need to take care
For I can't afford it, and you should take good care now.
She asked if I was okay
quote that in uppercase, and a question mark.
Mother, I
lost the love I had in me
I left a hole within a howl.
Said I should stop being selfish,
get caffeine out of my system
or get me out of yours.
I'm saying stop pouring vodka on your wounds
or ask me to shut them back
because when I asked you to take care
I meant that bad habits are very hard to cut back on
and I bet your psychiatrist told you so
but I still hide that bottle of antidepressants in my drawer
just in case you know that it hurts a little less now.
My English teacher said that no complexion is gold
When Shakespeare was reminiscing about his own summer sky
But he doesn't know what you look like
When the sirens are quiet
And the lights are off.
I'm saying you should turn the lights on now because there are so many colors that you could be
And Blue is not one of them.
I think I love you when I think you're gold
But when your skies are grey
I paint over you
Color after another
After another
After no other.
I think this is when I knew that I love carrying you around as my art
But I am no artist
Only a paradox.
I'm saying take care now
really good fucking care
because neither one of us understood what it's like
to hold onto oneself.
And if I were to see you again,
I would turn my back
Before I break yours.
So I'm saying take care now
and let the wind pull us apart.

It's still winter in my head.

My heart is yearning for my skies to rain pour heavily on the strangled thoughts my head murmurs at night. 

يكبر الله بداخلى

الله اكبر

و الله ابقى

والله يبقى فى قلبى و قلب كل من تلعثم فى كلامه سكرًا بأسم الحب.

احترق جسدى فى اول صباح من تشرين الثانى

كما احترق ضوئا فى اول اربعين ليلة قضيتها فى رحم امى

و مكثت تسعة اشهر اكبر و اكبر

و يظل الله اكبر.

تحدثت عن الله و الحب سويًا, و قلت انهما جزء لا يتجزأ

فكيف تنفى وجود الله يا عُمر وأنا احببتك حتى الثمل؟

أفقدت عقلك باسما عندما ماتت ذكراك بداخلى أم ان الله سكن قلبى بدلًا منك؟

اتذوق قهوتى كأننى لم اتذوقها من شفتيه قط

بس هو بعيد

و انا ابعد ما يكون عن السلم أو السلام

و تكبر بيننا المسافة ليلة تلو الأخرى

و يظل الله أكبر.

زرت باريس مرتين

مرة اثناء نومى

و مرة فى ذراعيه

و لا يزال الله يكبر بداخلى, صرخة تلو الأخرى

فبعدد كل الخطايا التى انا بفاعلة و كل الصلاوات اللائى لن اؤد ذكرت اسم جلالته مقطوعة اللسان, فارغة اليدان.

                     

Descend upon me

I am full of love,

I'm bleeding it out.

                                                                 Descend upon me

And resonate.

A departure lies within those bare lines.

Drink until you're sober

Soak yourself in January's climax

And sin your way out of this world.

Please cover the earth when it starts to shiver

My world is coming to an end

And my coffee's gone cold

  

I poured my heart at some train station

There you are, waiting for the train like you've waited and waited for your heartbeats to become steady. I hope you have that floral scarf that smells too much like mum around your neck and I hope it doesn't suffocate you like mum unintentionally did. 

What is it this time? Did some lover do you wrong or is New York just getting brighter by the second? And oh my, you love the city lights more than you love the smell of home and coffee shops fused together on your pulse points and close to the heart, don't you?

You asked one day if God is so forgiving that if you repeatedly set your insides on fire and exploded so beautifully like thousands of fireworks on the 4th of July he would be understanding like a good God with all his seven skies and when I told you that He is more forgiving than you'll ever be, you got so mad you watched your pieces unravel. And typically, you haven't forgiven yourself for being the person you are. 

You keep speaking about how the world will never wholeheartedly understand you because you too often run out of words to say, but I know your anatomy more than anyone else and believe me when I tell you that your body says more than you'll ever get to hear.

Your hair can't always stay put unless you want it to. And your eyes, your eyes always long for the world and I'll never understand why. Moreover, your head isn’t the warmest place to be and your clenched fist is too damn small to be the size of your beating heart. 

I know you. I know you and I know how you take your coffee in the morning. I know that those railways will never be the answer to all your prayers and that the train is never coming by unless you leave this city on the best terms you can. I know you and I know that even with the curtains drawn, with a pen in one hand and your heart in another, you can write with your eyes closed. I know you and I know why you're writing this, so you might as well just forgive yourself and stop waiting for the goddamned train.

Lay me to rest or let me flee, I don't settle for in-betweens.

September 20 or 20 something

Jump back to September, 2014

Pick a day

Any day.

The 20th

Am I ready to bring this up one more time?

Am I ready to reminisce?

I am not,

but my hands are.

See, they are committed to memories that dawn did not take away from me...yet.

September, 20 or 20 something, 2014

You were standing, 

waiting, 

stuttering, 

shaking

I was elsewhere, 

nowhere, 

not there 

fading 

into thin air.

I was a city and you were just a town

I couldn't look down 

I was big, alive, and blooming

and my god did you look so gloomy

You named me after a drug.

Was it methamphetamine, heroin, cocaine?

or did I only feed on your pain?

I then met you and you smelled like gin

or some sort of sadness that lies within

you said "leave" and I didn't dare.

I thought you needed a shoulder to lean on

But oh my, I know a train wreck when I see one

September, 20 or 20 something

My common sense had died in vain

September knows no rain

you must have known better than to become the hurricane

Cold, hollow and drugged I remain

and him, I became.

Last December I called his name,

I waited,

stood,

stuttered

and shook.

He was elsewhere

everywhere

and a small death lay here and there

I said "leave" and he was sorry.
His lips were moving but my head was starry.

And so we faded by the end of the year

I still wait but he's not here.
Saudade, saudade, saudade.
I've grown ancient since that day.

Some day, I'm going to become the world.
But for now I'd like to walk so lightly and beautifully upon this earth. I'd like to flee myself from gravity and know what the distorted arms of heaven feel like.

Some day, my insides will be colored in all shades of purple, because it's my happy color. But for now, I'd like them to be nothing but opaque and have the universe paint them later.

I wish I could become phenomenal as I reach out for the sky.
I'm not a fictional character some drunk author would write about, I'm not made for books, but I have my ways.

Some day, I'm going to breathe like never before. But for now, I shall only blossom.
There is so much to learn yet so much to remain unknown.
The world is too huge, the earth is too round, I am too small, my eyes are too brown, and the night will swallow us whole. 

The stars, my stars, speak only of love and drunken fear; they're too bright for a night sky and too weary for a wanderer like myself.

I confide in untraveled roads and despise the one-way streets because I believe in second chances like I believe in God.

Some day, I'm going to become a road I trust blindly
But for now, watch me as I burn down the church of sins that I think I am.

I speak of myself like no one knows me better, and I use the letter I a lot. However, they do know me better. People see through us when they learn too much about the iridescence of our being, and I think I've shown that just enough.

So some day, I am going to admit that I am iridescent in every way one could be.
But for now, let me be nothing, nothing but a void.
Isn't this how the world was created anyway?

In the memory of him, and every other thunderstorm.

1) Put on your favorite over-sized sweater. Make sure it doesn't smell of someone's absence. Know that you can find safety in the smallest things you own that often go unnoticed.
2) Put your hair up in a messy bun, have it messier than the thoughts you fought so hard to keep at the back of your mind. 
3) Take your pants off even if you haven't shaved your legs this morning, or even this month. You will soon understand that your skin was made to be flawed and that shall not make you love it any less.
4) Turn all the lights off and recall that night when you were 6 and sobbing because you used to be so afraid of the dark and laugh about it as you wonder why something so serene used to scare you. Let the realization that even fear does not stick around for too long sink in.
5) Light a candle, a scented one. Specially if it smells too much like the vanilla lotion they used to have on their soft cocoon skin or if it's colored in their starry blue eyes. Let it burn as bright as bright could possibly be and watch it melt and become a little too useless. This should be a metaphor to how people can stop meaning so much to you as time passes by.
6) Listen to all the old music your grandpa used to play when you were too young to even pronounce his name correctly. Talk to him even if his heart no longer beats, even if his soul no longer radiates just enough warmth to keep you sheltered. Talk to him in your mind and out loud. Talk to him about not feeling home lately and talk to him about your parents and how you wish they were back together. He won't respond but that never means he doesn't know. He knows
7) Lie on your bedroom floor and know that it does not, at any rate, matter if you've cried for all the wrong reasons and hoped for all the lost causes. This is how you grow. This is how you blossom.
8) Thank yourself; you're fighting a battle you didn't choose to endure and sometimes living can be an act of heroism.
9) Shut your eyes, this is not where you end. No heart is too weary to beat louder than a fucking supernova.
10) You are a fucking supernova.

.ياليتنى لم اكن

It took me so long to realize that home is not just a place with four walls built upon the vows of a married couple who said they'd give me the world if they could but never told me that I am a universe on my own. And even though the old house is the place I am dying to touch the walls of one more time, it's not my home anymore. It was this one single night when a stranger passed through me that I knew that home is not just some apartment, but a person, a thought, a faded memory, the open arms of somebody or even me; I am my home. For all I know, I hold myself together firmly and shelter myself from the world that shall come to an end any minute now. Or so I hope.

With every Athan and every church bell that rings, I pray to God and ask him to heal me.I ask him for another sunrise and another tongue that would only utter the words that end wars.
I pray for a neck that would reach out for the sky.
I pray for hands that would give life to every dead thing they touch.
I pray for a chest that doesn't set my lungs on fire every time they try to break my ribcage and set themselves free.
I pray for a hair that doesn't smell of all the cigarettes each lover lit with their hands in mine.
I pray for eyes that would only cry when they're cried for.
I pray doe a heart that doesn't beat irrationally for the sake of possessing all the love in the world.
I long to be human.

The 19th of December, 1958
I was 16 and you warmed up the spaces between my fingers and told me that we'll face the world together, forever. And I had no doubts. You looked into my eyes and all went quiet, like God had muted the whole world just for us to start raising our voices because nothing could ever be louder than the sound of our beating hearts when they're speaking on the behalf of love.

March the 28th, 1964
I was losing my mind with a mouthful of Whiskey and no war could fucking compare. Your parents sucked all the light I had in me the minute they took you away and stated that I'll never be able to have the smell of your skin stuck on my body ever again.

3rd of January, 1965
My bed sheets have seen it all. Sleep hadn't knocked upon my eyes ever since you left. I smoked a cigarette for each time your absence smothered the roots of my soul. My fingers were all cold and numb, longing for yours to make them feel okay again. And even so, I knew you were going to come back.

They took off my petals one by one when I was only a shy blossoming flower. I let them do it without a word. Years later, they started cutting out all the feathers I had in my little wings and said it's for the best. I was found in some godforsaken corner, with one broken wing and two figures standing over me, telling me that I cannot fly in a world where it's only acceptable to walk and crawl. I started running because it felt so much like flying but I was told to slow down because the wind might hurt my skin when they both touch and I did, I did and I did and I became one of them.