It's still winter in my head.

My heart is yearning for my skies to rain pour heavily on the strangled thoughts my head murmurs at night. 

يكبر الله بداخلى

الله اكبر

و الله ابقى

والله يبقى فى قلبى و قلب كل من تلعثم فى كلامه سكرًا بأسم الحب.

احترق جسدى فى اول صباح من تشرين الثانى

كما احترق ضوئا فى اول اربعين ليلة قضيتها فى رحم امى

و مكثت تسعة اشهر اكبر و اكبر

و يظل الله اكبر.

تحدثت عن الله و الحب سويًا, و قلت انهما جزء لا يتجزأ

فكيف تنفى وجود الله يا عُمر وأنا احببتك حتى الثمل؟

أفقدت عقلك باسما عندما ماتت ذكراك بداخلى أم ان الله سكن قلبى بدلًا منك؟

اتذوق قهوتى كأننى لم اتذوقها من شفتيه قط

بس هو بعيد

و انا ابعد ما يكون عن السلم أو السلام

و تكبر بيننا المسافة ليلة تلو الأخرى

و يظل الله أكبر.

زرت باريس مرتين

مرة اثناء نومى

و مرة فى ذراعيه

و لا يزال الله يكبر بداخلى, صرخة تلو الأخرى

فبعدد كل الخطايا التى انا بفاعلة و كل الصلاوات اللائى لن اؤد ذكرت اسم جلالته مقطوعة اللسان, فارغة اليدان.

                     

Descend upon me

I am full of love,

I'm bleeding it out.

                                                                 Descend upon me

And resonate.

A departure lies within those bare lines.

Drink until you're sober

Soak yourself in January's climax

And sin your way out of this world.

Please cover the earth when it starts to shiver

My world is coming to an end

And my coffee's gone cold

  

I poured my heart at some train station

There you are, waiting for the train like you've waited and waited for your heartbeats to become steady. I hope you have that floral scarf that smells too much like mum around your neck and I hope it doesn't suffocate you like mum unintentionally did. 

What is it this time? Did some lover do you wrong or is New York just getting brighter by the second? And oh my, you love the city lights more than you love the smell of home and coffee shops fused together on your pulse points and close to the heart, don't you?

You asked one day if God is so forgiving that if you repeatedly set your insides on fire and exploded so beautifully like thousands of fireworks on the 4th of July he would be understanding like a good God with all his seven skies and when I told you that He is more forgiving than you'll ever be, you got so mad you watched your pieces unravel. And typically, you haven't forgiven yourself for being the person you are. 

You keep speaking about how the world will never wholeheartedly understand you because you too often run out of words to say, but I know your anatomy more than anyone else and believe me when I tell you that your body says more than you'll ever get to hear.

Your hair can't always stay put unless you want it to. And your eyes, your eyes always long for the world and I'll never understand why. Moreover, your head isn’t the warmest place to be and your clenched fist is too damn small to be the size of your beating heart. 

I know you. I know you and I know how you take your coffee in the morning. I know that those railways will never be the answer to all your prayers and that the train is never coming by unless you leave this city on the best terms you can. I know you and I know that even with the curtains drawn, with a pen in one hand and your heart in another, you can write with your eyes closed. I know you and I know why you're writing this, so you might as well just forgive yourself and stop waiting for the goddamned train.

Lay me to rest or let me flee, I don't settle for in-betweens.

September 20 or 20 something

Jump back to September, 2014

Pick a day

Any day.

The 20th

Am I ready to bring this up one more time?

Am I ready to reminisce?

I am not,

but my hands are.

See, they are committed to memories that dawn did not take away from me...yet.

September, 20 or 20 something, 2014

You were standing, 

waiting, 

stuttering, 

shaking

I was elsewhere, 

nowhere, 

not there 

fading 

into thin air.

I was a city and you were just a town

I couldn't look down 

I was big, alive, and blooming

and my god did you look so gloomy

You named me after a drug.

Was it methamphetamine, heroin, cocaine?

or did I only feed on your pain?

I then met you and you smelled like gin

or some sort of sadness that lies within

you said "leave" and I didn't dare.

I thought you needed a shoulder to lean on

But oh my, I know a train wreck when I see one

September, 20 or 20 something

My common sense had died in vain

September knows no rain

you must have known better than to become the hurricane

Cold, hollow and drugged I remain

and him, I became.

Last December I called his name,

I waited,

stood,

stuttered

and shook.

He was elsewhere

everywhere

and a small death lay here and there

I said "leave" and he was sorry.
His lips were moving but my head was starry.

And so we faded by the end of the year

I still wait but he's not here.
Saudade, saudade, saudade.
I've grown ancient since that day.

Some day, I'm going to become the world.
But for now I'd like to walk so lightly and beautifully upon this earth. I'd like to flee myself from gravity and know what the distorted arms of heaven feel like.

Some day, my insides will be colored in all shades of purple, because it's my happy color. But for now, I'd like them to be nothing but opaque and have the universe paint them later.

I wish I could become phenomenal as I reach out for the sky.
I'm not a fictional character some drunk author would write about, I'm not made for books, but I have my ways.

Some day, I'm going to breathe like never before. But for now, I shall only blossom.
There is so much to learn yet so much to remain unknown.
The world is too huge, the earth is too round, I am too small, my eyes are too brown, and the night will swallow us whole. 

The stars, my stars, speak only of love and drunken fear; they're too bright for a night sky and too weary for a wanderer like myself.

I confide in untraveled roads and despise the one-way streets because I believe in second chances like I believe in God.

Some day, I'm going to become a road I trust blindly
But for now, watch me as I burn down the church of sins that I think I am.

I speak of myself like no one knows me better, and I use the letter I a lot. However, they do know me better. People see through us when they learn too much about the iridescence of our being, and I think I've shown that just enough.

So some day, I am going to admit that I am iridescent in every way one could be.
But for now, let me be nothing, nothing but a void.
Isn't this how the world was created anyway?