Forgive me Self for I have sinned.

I wonder what would happen if we could just pretend that unoccupied spaces are filled once you forget that they are unoccupied because of the absence of someone else's occupancy. In other words, if you are certain that one person's wholeness does not kill another's, then why won't you stop acknowledging the void? 

I watch you breathe. You sit there by the window every night and wait for it to rain when it's 40 degrees outside, because that's how you always were: always waiting for a miracle to happen. Almost everything you've wished for is make-believe. You've got skinny hands, and your eyes are see-through. Mirrors do not astound you, not since fifth grade anyway, when the rooms always echoed with your laughter and the murmurs of people around you, always blessed at the sight of you. You've kept your lovers waiting, and all their hearts ever did were shrink, for you were never able to give. A morning spent alone is a morning not wasted, then explain to me why you're constantly seeking shelter in the arms of everyone.
"Be a good person," you say. "take your medication. The noise in your head will not die, but sooner or later, your thoughts will be out of focus."
I swear I've done it a hundred times. I've bathed in their "coping strategies", but I've never believed there was anything to cope to. So the days go by, and I watch the sun rise, and my skin is warm with a scintilla of faith.
I remember what it feels like, to shiver, to sweat, to snap at the sky and know in my bones that it's useless. I remember the vomit, the screaming, the anger, and the drowsiness. I remember being laughed at in a room with no one but me.
And here I am, a flash of a memory, bursting with remorse, and light goes through me.
I can still hear my name being called, and my heart still keeps pounding when I'm surrounded by people. I am still afraid, reaching out, looking at en empty sky. I still lose my head, and life seems almost impossible at times, but I am tired of sitting by the window every night, waiting. And heck, I think I'll go make it rain, because I don't believe in miracles anymore, I make them.

If everything is quiet and still, then why am I dazed by how fast the earth is spinning?

Brush your lips against her skin. Sweat, breath and minute after minute you find her weeping. What's wrong, honey? What went wrong? Was it the way you held her or didn't you hold her tight enough? 

You see her through the smoke. One step closer to her and Death will laugh at you. Damn, not this time. 

She Paints you a picture of a rose and you just smile and think it's nice. How nice, you never know.  

Sleeves pulled up, hair pulled back. Wash out the memory and wash it away. This can hurt for only so long. I, who walked straight into the storm, remember pieces of me being taken away at noon, and spoiler alert: I survive.

It's alright, ma.

The pills will be out of my system later

But you won't

You won't.

I wish I loved myself enough

To not die for you

But it's alright, ma.

I'll rise again, some other time.

I'll live.

It's alright, ma.

The blood and the vomit

I can wash them all away.

I will rinse myself in sunshine

I will bathe in all the things you never told me about

I am not entirely sober

But it's always alright, ma.

You've raised me

And I am quickly falling apart.

But don't you think I will stay in pieces.

I hold myself together

Better than any person can.

I paint my own skies

I paint my own body

I become colors that don't fade

I burst with life

Even after I've lost parts of me.

I am still here. Complete. Content. Completely content.

.And I'll live

20 things you need to know by the age of 20

This is for the person that has always guided me towards the light, and walked with me through the dark

1. You're not alone. There's always someone, somewhere, somehow, listening; watching over you. 
2. You will never find love. But love will find you. And when it does, it's going to linger under your skin. Make sure to know who to let in and who to hold the door open for.
3. You will change a lot. And I don't mean that you'll wake up one day and decide to shave your head and call it a change. I mean you'll wake up one day and decide to walk away from something you thought you'd never leave behind because it just doesn't suit you anymore. When that happens, don't let it ruin you. You're not a bad person for taking bad decisions. 
4. Don't be afraid. Your worst fears will find a way to crawl under your skin and to your head but in the midst of it all, you will find a voice inside of you that tells you to hold on and hold still. Make sure to find that voice.
5. Don't be oblivious to the beautiful things that surround you. Everything starting from that abandoned corner of the street to the breeze that hits your face the first thing in the morning is beautiful and unprecedented.
6. Fight. Fight sickness and fight loss. So many things are worth fighting for. Do not let your pride kill all the softness you have within you for the people that you love. 
7. You are not a waste of space. 
8. Mind over matter. Always.
9. You will get over her and you will learn how to live without people who can live without you and you will stop being fond of people who are not fond of you. You will also learn how to do that with no amount of hatred included.
10. Let yourself be, but don't stop yourself from being. 
11. Let yourself die, but don't stop yourself from breathing. 
12. Stop being your worst enemy. Look at the bigger picture. You are so much more than what you think you are. Stop shrinking yourself.
13. You will survive.
14. It's beautiful to believe in something you don't see. For some it's a god, for others it's a reason to hold on. Make sure you have that.
15. Thank yourself for the things you've been doing all your life. Thank yourself for this; for breathing. Thank yourself for not falling apart.
16. It's sometimes better to only get by than to stay trapped but that in no way means that you should settle for what you don't deserve.
17. Stand up, speak up, and put up a damn fight for all the things you believe in. You have a voice, so use it.
18. Read, read, read. The madness of magic exists between the pages of a book. Books will always teach you something.
19. You are you, and it's enough.
20. You are loved. You are cherished. You are evergreen.