Brush your lips against her skin. Sweat, breath and minute after minute you find her weeping. What's wrong, honey? What went wrong? Was it the way you held her or didn't you hold her tight enough? 

You see her through the smoke. One step closer to her and Death will laugh at you. Damn, not this time. 

She Paints you a picture of a rose and you just smile and think it's nice. How nice, you never know.  

Sleeves pulled up, hair pulled back. Wash out the memory and wash it away. This can hurt for only so long. I, who walked straight into the storm, remember pieces of me being taken away at noon, and spoiler alert: I survive.

It's alright, ma.

The pills will be out of my system later

But you won't

You won't.

I wish I loved myself enough

To not die for you

But it's alright, ma.

I'll rise again, some other time.

I'll live.

It's alright, ma.

The blood and the vomit

I can wash them all away.

I will rinse myself in sunshine

I will bathe in all the things you never told me about

I am not entirely sober

But it's always alright, ma.

You've raised me

And I am quickly falling apart.

But don't you think I will stay in pieces.

I hold myself together

Better than any person can.

I paint my own skies

I paint my own body

I become colors that don't fade

I burst with life

Even after I've lost parts of me.

I am still here. Complete. Content. Completely content.

.And I'll live

20 things you need to know by the age of 20

This is for the person that has always guided me towards the light, and walked with me through the dark

1. You're not alone. There's always someone, somewhere, somehow, listening; watching over you. 
2. You will never find love. But love will find you. And when it does, it's going to linger under your skin. Make sure to know who to let in and who to hold the door open for.
3. You will change a lot. And I don't mean that you'll wake up one day and decide to shave your head and call it a change. I mean you'll wake up one day and decide to walk away from something you thought you'd never leave behind because it just doesn't suit you anymore. When that happens, don't let it ruin you. You're not a bad person for taking bad decisions. 
4. Don't be afraid. Your worst fears will find a way to crawl under your skin and to your head but in the midst of it all, you will find a voice inside of you that tells you to hold on and hold still. Make sure to find that voice.
5. Don't be oblivious to the beautiful things that surround you. Everything starting from that abandoned corner of the street to the breeze that hits your face the first thing in the morning is beautiful and unprecedented.
6. Fight. Fight sickness and fight loss. So many things are worth fighting for. Do not let your pride kill all the softness you have within you for the people that you love. 
7. You are not a waste of space. 
8. Mind over matter. Always.
9. You will get over her and you will learn how to live without people who can live without you and you will stop being fond of people who are not fond of you. You will also learn how to do that with no amount of hatred included.
10. Let yourself be, but don't stop yourself from being. 
11. Let yourself die, but don't stop yourself from breathing. 
12. Stop being your worst enemy. Look at the bigger picture. You are so much more than what you think you are. Stop shrinking yourself.
13. You will survive.
14. It's beautiful to believe in something you don't see. For some it's a god, for others it's a reason to hold on. Make sure you have that.
15. Thank yourself for the things you've been doing all your life. Thank yourself for this; for breathing. Thank yourself for not falling apart.
16. It's sometimes better to only get by than to stay trapped but that in no way means that you should settle for what you don't deserve.
17. Stand up, speak up, and put up a damn fight for all the things you believe in. You have a voice, so use it.
18. Read, read, read. The madness of magic exists between the pages of a book. Books will always teach you something.
19. You are you, and it's enough.
20. You are loved. You are cherished. You are evergreen. 

A letter to my present self.

You have a stack of books piled up on your bedside; Ink and words and meaning. Yet you're on your own. You're everything you never wanted to be and I'm sorry. I keep thinking it's somehow my fault. Maybe if I had loved you a little, forgiven you a little, glorified you a little, and protected you a lot, none of this would've happened. You close your blinds and look away, pretending that the world outside doesn't scare you a bit. So you get up and walk tall, and slip on another lie. I'm okay or am I? 
Rise, do rise. The sky will always allure but gravity will always pull you back to its embrace and keep you from flying. And may I say that your hair is less deranged now yet still smells like chaos from a distance?
Dance, do dance. You know the song of loss and life by heart, don't you? You know the words and oh how they slip away from your tongue with every stranger your soul entirely grasps. 
If I had met you in a dream I wouldn't dare wake up. You're ripe and life ascends within you. You're raw and your eyes are the farthest thing from a shelter.
Please understand that I am still not out of reasons to love you; that you're not easy to give up on. It's just that life makes us weary and we still have got so much to learn, but my god are we running out of time, and my god are we running out of love, and my fucking god are we too unholy to abstain. 

I know this girl, English heart and golden ribs. She reminds me of all the things I have got no name for. I can't stop looking at her. She speaks not when you expect her to. She speaks not to break the silence. If anything, silence is the closest I've ever got to knowing her. She speaks in a language you wouldn't understand, but would remember very clearly when you take a few steps away from her shadow. I can feel her presence even if we're almost too apart for our eyes to meet and here's what I once told them: if the curtains were drawn, you will know one way or another that her body's standing still behind. And when they asked how, I told them that she's quiet, but her heart isn't. They thought I'm mental but they don't know the first thing about me knowing the first thing about her. She's terrified of life, yet has all four elements that keep us from dying. She's killing me and I'm only halfway through her head. She's killing me, and I can't stop looking at her.

A poem my parents could have written if only they knew how to

this night,
this never ending fight
this flickering light 
inside the heart
that could have
but never did
ignite.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry but not quite yet.
Skin on bones and
together forever, forever together
what a shame 
and who's to blame?
silent.
leave me, break me, tear me
but not quite yet.